2019 is slowly but surely coming to an end, and while you’ve all probably noticed that this year for sure hasn’t been my best “blogging year” (in terms of being online and present, posting regularly and serving content frequently) I can wholeheartedly say, it has been one of my best years personally though… Besides working on some wonderful projects lately, I dedicated all my time and effort into my family, into redefining my dreams, into life changing decisions, into how I want my blog to evolve and into probably the most important relationship of my life… The relationship I have with myself. Which is probably the most important relationship anyone of us has.
But let me start from the beginning.
When I first started my blog back in 2015, it has been a dream come true – All At Once was born – maaaaaa babyyyyyyyy ♥︎ Besides acting & skating, I’ve always had this vision in my head to one day create a platform where I could share all things I am so very passionate about. From daily looks and general fashion advice, to health & fitness tips, recipes, travels, life hacks, beauty know how to even personal related stories. Being someone you could lean on, like the best friend you would ask for help or advice, has been my motivation. And here we are almost exactly almost 5 years later… We’ve become such a wonderful and unique community. Yes, YOU – you are part of THIS! If you are reading this know, that YOU matter to me. Every single feedback, your messages, your comments, daily DM’s, the communication we have simply means soooo much. But if you’ve been following me for a while now, you also already know that I’ve never been the stereo type kinda blogger. I never cared about numbers, nor did I put myself under pressure from the so called “IG world” to post daily or even let hatred & comparison be a thing. I tried to create high quality content and bits and pieces of my everyday life. I’ve always only taken on collaborations that would fit me 1000% and that I knew would be interesting to you guys too. Being true to myself and sticking to my vision to be your friend, rather than a so called “influencer” has been my intention and highest goal.
But as we all underlie change – my blog – ME – also changed. NOT MY VISION, but the way I handle it. The things I’ve put out the way I used to, are not fulfilling to me anymore. I, as a very unique soul (and this might sound arrogant but thats just how it is), have so much more to give to you than a single “Outfit Of The Day”. Life has taught me so many things. I, in my short life, had to face and experience a lot which I am grateful for even though it was tough at times, but it got me a certain kind of depth which I want to share with you. I want to be able to talk about the lows – as much as I talk about fashion, beauty, lifestyle & travel. I want to use my voice to really give you guys meaningful content. Advice you can grow from. Fashion, beauty and all that All At Once stands for will still be a thing on here, but I know I have been experiencing a crazy life that needs to be expressed, that needs to be shared. And maybe, just maybe I with my struggles can help someone else fighting theirs. I know there are soooo many of you out there struggling right now, struggling to find your place in this world. Maybe even fighting something mentally or physically… I want to talk about real life with you. I want to discuss even the not so amusing subjects. I want to talk about the things you won’t be reading in any kind of Vogue magazine, you know?!
Your story could be the key that unlocks someone else’s prison, don’t be afraid to share it.
Life can be cruel sometimes, things happen unexpectedly, and sometimes hit you in a way you weren’t prepared for. I’ve thought about sharing this very intimate, personal and very vulnerable story for quite some time now, but always wanted to protect my family and therefore kept it a secret – only my closest friends knew. I tried to be professional enough to not let this come through, because blogging became a part of my everyday job, and it somehow felt inappropriate to share so very intimate things with so many people. It took me nearly 5 years to actually write this. I was afraid, maybe even ashamed at times, to actually reveal that I have been struggling with things. And it got to a point where I felt like I was not being myself anymore, because those things I had to face in the past 4 years ARE a huge part of my life. I FINALLY, especially in this so superficial social media world we live in, want to openly talk about sickness, struggles and failures – it may help others to overcome certain stages in their lives too.
LIFE is perfectly imperfect, life can be wonderfully stunning but it also can hit you and smash you to the ground. In the past 4 years besides trying to make a living, creating a dream – an acting career, making it right for everyone and serving this blog… My dad, which I dedicate my life to, which means more than ANYTHING TO ME was diagnosed with – BONE MARROW CANCER!!!!! BOOM – there I said it. Cancer – a life threatening disease. (I will make sure to dedicate another detailed blogpost to this particular topic and everything I’m gonna say below sometime soon.)
No job, no career, no likes, followers, money, NIENTE would ever be as valuable to me as my dad. NOTHING on this earth is more important to me than my family. We together have been through it all – from chemo, to chemo, to chemo, to chemo, to the next chemo and to the next chemo therapy, to stem cell therapy, to more hospital visits, to intensive care and so on. If I would ever have to describe hell – this would be it. Whenever my mom and I left the hospital we never knew if we ever gonna see my dad again. The pure fight for life, has put my entire being into perspective. I’ve almost lost my own life when I was 14 years young due to a severe car accident, and have always been very conscious about my life since then, but this with my dad has been different.
For the past 4 years it has been a constant fight. I’ve tried everything in my power to be there for him. Flew across the country to see him for a day or two. Sometimes I stayed for weeks, even months to just be with my dad. I didn’t want to miss a thing. All I could give him was my time, my love and my simple presence. Looking back at the time, I don’t even know how I managed to build & put up this blog, or even to work in general. It has all been a matter of survival I think. Not to make an excuse, but being offline also had a lot to do with that. I most likely spend the minutes with my beloved family. I tried to take in every moment so very deeply… Again, this topic is so specific and needs another whole post to be explained.
Now that time has gone by and my DAD is ALIVE + CANCER FREE at the moment, I for the first time can talk freely about the whole topic from a more objective kind of view, because there sure were moments I couldn’t even talk about it without crying. But yet again, it all made me stronger.
Sometimes you have to fight through some bad days, – to earn the best days of your life…
For the first time in a very long time – in 4 years to be exact – I decided, even after my project was done, to intentionally take time off. Being offline for 3 months was the best decision I made in a long time. I needed to deeply look inside of myself to get the clarity I needed to make some very important changes in my life. I took the time to refocus, redefine and to reconnect to the most important relationship of my life. The one I have with myself. I made some life changing decisions – amongst others the relocation to Los Angeles, to dedicate my precious time to my dreams, to things that truly fulfill me that make me happy & bring out pure joy in me…
Because in the end, we only got this one life. Everything that truly matters – you can’t buy with money. Everything that truly matters is the connection we built with family, friends and ourselves. Everything that truly matters is the love we spread out into the world. So we should all make sure to support each other – to be there for one another. After the rain, there will always be sunshine. Life is a heartbeat, the ups should be celebrated and the downs should be taken as a learning lesson.
And after all, this open letter from me to you stands for realness, new beginnings, and everything that truly matters.